On days like today, continuing on seems near to impossible. Each moment is spent with me counting down to the next, willing away the time before I can crawl into my bed and avoid life for the next 8 to 16 hours. Im often told that i’m ‘holding things together well’ and so although i’m falling apart on the inside, on the outside I look fine and to the doctors that is absolutely great! It’s really not. Seriously. The only reason I outwardly seem so put together is because of my anxiety. I cant bear to let anyone down. If I don’t eventually get out of bed then no one will collect the boys from school. How would I explain to them that they were left at school because I couldn’t muster my energy to crawl out of bed? Anxiety gives me that push I need. It keeps me doing the bare minimum. That is my only reason for playing pretend during the day. If I have an appointment then I attend because I can’t fathom the thought of disappointing my doctor by not attending and thus wasting their time further. Its not a choice. I have to meet expectations.
Today I want nothing more than to hide away and quite possibly not exist for a while but until Friday I have commitments I must meet and so my disappearing act can not commence until the weekend and my following week free of work. No classes. No work. No commitments. Im not sure if this is a good or bad thing (who am I kidding, it’s a bad thing!)
On days like today, apart from my anxiety there are only a few things that keep me going.. pictures of puppies and dogs for example always make me smile. There are also a few songs and quotes that help me breathe a little easier. Im going to list them below just in case they help someone else.
“So far you’ve survived 100 percent of your worst days. You’re doing great.”
“At 23, J.K. Rowling was broke. Tina Fey was working at the Y.M.C.A. Oprah had just gotten fired from her first job as a TV reporter and Walt Disney had declared bankruptcy.”
– Heidi Priebe
“Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.”
– Charlotte Bronte
“No matter how bad things are right now. No matter how stuck you feel. No matter how many days you’ve spent crying and wishing things were different. No matter how hopeless and depressed you feel. I promise you that you won’t feel this way forever. Keep going.”
– Helen Wilson
I’m sorry my words haven’t been very engaging or articulate today, I decided to write this post as a means of distraction from my own mind. The act of searching for my favourite quotes and happy things helped soothe my mind for a few minutes.
What are some of your favourite quotes or songs that help you when you’re feeling all dark inside?